2025-05-18
I stopped taking estrogen like two weeks ago. Feel kind of ok. I want to go back on it. I decided I don't actually want to be a man. I think I just want to be a jacked woman. I'm so tired of being fat.
Visiting Mom in Utah. It's weird being 25 like I sort of feel like I should have everything figured out but I dont. Accidenttly broke the nespresso machine. Which sucks. No more coffee for us I guess. It's nice being on vacation but I sort of dont know what to do with myself.
Got some vans shoes from the outlet mall which I'm excited about. Overall, kind of bored. Excited to see my brother when I get back.
Overall, I really don't know what I'm doing.
Like I thought I wanted to be a gay man, but I don't think thats actually what I want. The tragedy of not being a lesbian. It would make things so easy. I'm just not into women, no matter how hard I try to force it.
Being straight sucks because like I'm scared of men. After I was attacked by one my freshman year of college. IDK. Dating men as a trans woman is like so hard. It feels overwhelming. I'm not sure where to meet men. I'm not sure how to flirt with men. I'm not sure if men find me attractive. I'm not sure what men are even looking for. Most of all I'm not sure what I want.
Idk, how I am being read by people. Do I come off as gay? Do I come off as a woman? I have no idea how cis people see me.
Gonna stick this in a s3 bucket. I'm not sure what made me decide to go off estrogen. I'm not sure if it matters. I remember telling my friends about and crying it a lot. I think the realization that I'm into men was deeply unsettling for me.
I'm SCARED of men.
I'm SCARED of men attacking me.
I'm SCARED of trusting men.
I'm SCARED to trust myself
I kind of miss being a gay man. Like it had all the benefits of being a man. People listened to you, people respected you, didn't have to worry about transmisogny.
I was deeply miserable as a gay man.
And I kind of like my body as it is now.
I want to get jacked.
Like just muscles bulging from my body.
I'm so tired of being fat.
Id rather be a muscle mommy than a man I think
Overall feel ok
Sometimes, I wonder if I would be happier as a gay man.
But I don't think thats my truth
I want to do like high fiber, high protein
I was dropping weight before I went on a busines strip and then vacation
I have no idea how much I weigh. I know I was around 285lb when I left. My goal is to get down to around 200lb. Like I was 230lb in college and was still pudgy. I think daily journalling will be good for me? I'm a bit bored. I am also not like doing any reverse engineering this week. Putting Flare training on hold for a bit. Which I think is good. Work has been brutal lately.